Ever notice that Mercedes cars operate in a different physical dimension? I have a sneaking suspicion that those ingenious German automakers have installed some kind of paranormal module in the chasse, a flux capacitor of sorts. Okay, okay, I’m getting all conspiratorial here, but let’s consider this for a moment.

The Mercedes can create, ex nihilo — as if by spontaneous combustion, parking spots. A parking lot may have twenty spots per aisle, but the resourceful Benz driver will create a twenty-first space. And right across from the Starbucks or, more appropriately, Morton’s Steakhouse. Mysteriously, they never create spots on the far side of the lot. Additionally, these newly-fashioned spots are usually two cars in length, so as to prevent other well-to-dos from interfering with their mystical creation. Fascinating. Indeed, some may argue that these omnipotent vehicles are higher deities.

A Mercedes, equipped with a “fluxury” capacitor (like that?), can travel through time. I have discerned a consistent time shift between traffic signals and the reaction of these opulent entities. When a traffic light turns green, it’s usually a good 5 seconds, give or take, before the car starts moving. Strange. Conversely, when a traffic light turns red, it’s about the same time &mdash 5 seconds, give or take — before a Mercedes even appears to react, i.e. stop. Crossing traffic may have already released the brake pedal (the non-Mercedes species among them, at least). Yet, magically, Mercedeses have that cushion of time. They just gracefully glide through the intersection. For us lesser beings that’s called “running a red light.” But, really, for a Mercedes it’s just a time shift. Everything just slides forward 5 seconds, give or take.

Signaling. Or lack thereof. Okay, this is where my theory falls apart a bit. I think those Germans have a slight flaw in the design of their device. But I bet the module is supposed to signal telepathically to other motorists when a Mercedes intends to turn or change lanes, as opposed to relying on antiquated visual cues. Obviously, they have decided not to install the more traditional directional signal you’d find in earthly cars. I’ve just never seen a Mercedes signal. Anyway, I’m sure this component is in alpha and that they’re working on getting an operational product out on the road soon.

Although it is evident that the Mercedes defies laws of physics, it can also suspend civic laws. Have you ever seen a Benz pulled over by a state trooper? I haven’t. If you have, it must have been a mistake. I’m sure the offending officer is right now on leave without pay. These cars can travel at whole-number multiples of the current speed limit, use the H.O.V. lane with no passengers, or conduct captivating cell phone conversations, hands…ful. And at all times confident that no one dares pull them over.

Indeed, the Mercedes seems protected by a police-repellant shell. Could be that the fluxury capacitor renders the car invisible to police. The glitzy aura of the Mercedes is certainly visible to earthly motorists (doesn’t it just seem to exude a sense of luxury and self-entitlement?). Perhaps the module just emits some hallucinogenic spray that stuns police patrols. I’m certainly not going to try to guess at the engineering marvel behind this feature.

So yes, I’m pretty convinced of this theory, its various flaws notwithstanding. Now, I don’t want to deny other car makers of any due credit. I’m pretty sure that attempts have been made to install this enigmatic device in BMWs, Lexuses, Jaguars, Range Rovers, and other affluent cars. But none of them does it so impeccably, on virtually its entire line.

In all honesty, some may interpret my sentiments as class envy. I just think it’s a misplaced cardinal sin. A more appropriate characterization may be class wrath.

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